Cobweb's Corner

Crumbs for my children

2010-09-07T09:05:00.003-04:00

"Why am I here?" I muttered to myself. "Why do I even bother?"

He forgot his earplugs and he had decided he needed to vomit because the incense made it hard to see. I gave up understanding that kind of logic years ago, but I dutifully followed him to the bathroom so he wouldn't puke on the carpet.

"Hurry up", I hissed through the door. Once again I was missing Church. Once again I had the pleasure of following his crazy butt around when I really wanted to sing in the choir.

I stood there in a hallway behind the altar waiting. I could hear the bass from the praise band in the building that shared a common wall with our Church. My head was pounding and I was growing more frustrated by the minute.

...it is better to be a servant in the house of God....

For a day in Your courts is better than a thousand.
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
Than dwell in the tents of wickedness.

I don't know why that popped into my head at that moment, but it instantly made me less irritated with the situation. It was a much needed reminder of what I should be feeling.

"Please hurry", I whispered again through the door.

I could hear the priest's chanting of the Liturgy on the other side of the wall. The choir's response momentarily drowned out the sound of the bass.

Lord have mercy

"Lord have mercy", I whispered. I really meant it this time.

I do not have the faith of the canaanite woman. She refused to leave even when the Disciples tried to send her away. She begged Christ for crumbs of grace for her tormented child. She did not grumble to herself and wonder why she bothered to try.

May God in His mercy make me more like her.

This is the reason I am here. He can hear through this wall. These are his crumbs.

2009-09-15T09:56:00.001-04:00

It didn't happen exactly as we planned. My oldest son's Asperger Syndrome made it a very unusual and unforgetable baptism . There were quite a few of us silently praying the entire time that he would go through with it.

He did briefly change his mind after the water hit his head (With a very loud exclamation of "That's it! I'm done! and ran from the room ripping his robe off) but he decided to come back and finish the ceremony and take communion.... as long as he didn't have to wear the wet robe. It all worked out in the end and they are both very happy that they are baptized.

My husband was recieved as well, but he is a bit shy about his photo being posted.

Teaching children to pray (HELP!)

2009-08-21T11:47:00.003-04:00

My 10 year old (who has special needs) has come to me 3 times in the last few weeks asking how to pray. He's stressed about school, worried that lightning is going to hit him, and absolutely terrified of the swine flu. Yes, I know that quite a bit of this is irrational, but that is simply the way his brain works.

As of now he can say the Our Father with me and will say "Lord have mercy", but that is all he knows.

He wants to learn some simple prayers. I'm searching for a child's prayerbook or even a website that lists Orthodox prayers for various needs that are easy enough for someone in 1st or 2nd grade to understand. Small words and modern English would be best. Something with pictures and short simple prayers would be even better.

Does anyone know of a prayerbook or website like that?

Children's Bible Reader

2009-07-23T11:19:00.005-04:00

With the baptism coming next month, I wanted to get a Bible story book for the boys. I found a really great deal.

Right now you can get the English version of the Greek Orthodox Children's Illustrated Bible Reader for only $4.99.

We bought two (one for each kid) and I started reading it last night to the boys. They love it and I heartily recommend this book.

Murpy's Law of Catechesis

2009-07-15T12:49:00.002-04:00

When you make a commitment to join the Church, whatever can go wrong usually does.

I had been warned about this when I became a catechumen. I had a bit of a bumpy ride, but it wasn't that bad.

I braced myself for it when my husband was enrolled into the catechumenate. I even teased him a bit about it. I had no idea that this time it would be this difficult. It is like life is throwing everything at us at once. Everything that can break has... repeatedly (including both cars). Every situation that can have a bad outcome is doing so. Employment is being threatened and unknown unavoidable expenses suddenly pop up out of nowhere.

I pray that he has a short catechesis.

Cobweb's Corner

2009-07-06T14:21:00.003-04:00

Here is my real corner.... our family prayer corner.

Last week my godmother gave me one of her vigil lamps. I told her I thought it was pretty and she sent it home with me.

Our prayer corner is still rather humble, but soon icons of my husband's and youngest son's saints will be up there too.

Am I saved?

2009-07-02T08:14:00.003-04:00

I've had quite a few people ask me "Are you saved?" lately (including a few knocking on my front door). It can be a difficult question to answer because I know that I probably have a different view of what "saved" means than the person who asked me.

It is almost like trying to formulate an answer in a foreign language as you carefully consider your words. Unfortunately, the lack of an immediate "of course I am" appears to be an open invitation for some old-fashioned hellfire and brimstone street preaching around here. If you knew me, you'd know that rarely ends well.

*oops* I need to work on that.

Next time, I am saying this:

Catechumenate

2009-06-22T11:33:00.005-04:00

I never thought I would see this day when I started my journey to the Church. My husband has officially been made a catechumen.

Two more are joining me

2009-06-18T13:11:00.003-04:00

So much has happened. My husband began comming to Church with me when I was chrismated. He will be officially enrolled in the catechumenate this Sunday.

My youngest son has decided that he wants to be baptized. Now I'm trying to decide on godparents for him and figure out what I am going to do about a baptismal robe.

He's quite insistant on the robe. He wants to look like our acolyte only in white with a cross on his back. We don't have time to order a robe for him (baptism will likely be next month) so it is up to me to make.

Do you know how hard it is to find a pattern like that? They don't exist. I've decided to make do with a combination of the long tunic from Simplicity 4797 with the (keyhole) neckline from Simplicity 2976. As usual I'll probably deviate from the pattern a bit. I think that is probably the closest I can get without drafting my own from scratch (I really can't express how much I would rather not do that. It is too much trouble to get the fit correct on a wiggly 6 year old boy).

I am Orthodox

2009-04-22T07:51:00.002-04:00

I am finally an Orthodox Christian. My Chrismation was on Holy Saturday.

I can't even express in words how wonderful it feels.

(I'm still waiting for the pictures)

Wow!!!

2008-12-18T09:43:00.003-05:00

I was speaking with my priest yesterday about another matter and he mentioned that he wants to officially make me a catechumen very soon with the goal of being recieved into the Church on Holy Saturday.

I am so happy about this. I was beginning to think it would never happen. I have been inquiring (although not as seriously as I should) for 2 1/2 years.

A little more like Martha

2008-12-16T09:47:00.005-05:00

Luke 10:38-42

38Now it came to pass, as they went, that he entered into a certain village: and a certain woman named Martha received him into her house.

39And she had a sister called Mary, which also sat at Jesus' feet, and heard his word.

40But Martha was cumbered about much serving, and came to him, and said, Lord, dost thou not care that my sister hath left me to serve alone? bid her therefore that she help me.

41And Jesus answered and said unto her, Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things:

42But one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her.

Being like Mary is a good thing. Christ said that she had chosen to focus on the one needful thing. Unfortunately if you don't spend a little time being like Martha too... everything falls apart around you.

I've been focusing so much on learning about the spiritual that I am neglecting the practical. I need to work more on finding a balance.

A fun way to waste time

2008-11-18T08:07:00.004-05:00

Snowflakes!

We did this last year and yesterday my oldest son asked me to find the website again.

Make A Flake

We spent at least an hour last night making snowflakes as a family. It was a lot of fun.

We have a new Metropolitan

2008-11-13T10:20:00.003-05:00

(I say "we" like I have actually converted or something, but I feel so attached to this little OCA mission that it already feels like home)

Listen to him speak on his vision for the future.

Butterick 4817

2008-11-05T13:06:00.004-05:00

The skirt from this pattern has become a staple for my wardrobe. I lengthened the pattern to make an ankle length version. It is very easy to sew and fit (especially for a plus-sized pattern). It also has the benefit of being finished in one evening.

This pattern makes a skirt so comfortable (and surprisingly flattering) that I can't recommend it enough.

I'm back in Church

2008-11-05T12:54:00.002-05:00

I found an OCA mission about 45 min to an hour away that I have started attending.

The priest seems very nice. The Liturgy is entirely in english... and surprisingly about half of the women wear scarfs. It is nice for once to not be the only one.

My 5 year old son likes going to Sunday School and insists that he go with me every Sunday.

Vintage pretties!

2008-07-29T09:57:00.005-04:00

We've been museum hopping.

I love vintage textiles. My family thinks that I am a bit weird for it, but my husband was kind enough to take these photos. (sorry for the quality. The lighting was really awful both places we went.)

Both museums had a ton of military uniforms, but I am more interested in women's and children's clothing, so that is what I'm posting. Unfortunately, at the time I didn't have anything with me to jot down information on the dresses and the photos of the display signs did not turn out. I apologize that I can't remember more.

South Carolina State Museum

This dress was worn to the Charleston premier of Gone With the Wind

This one isn't exactly vintage, but it was so beautiful that I had to include it anyway. The display included a few costumes from the movie The Patriot

Another shot of the same costume.

Vintage nurse's uniform.

Christening gown. I do remember that the information sign said that it was store-bought (I think it was from the 1880's, but my oldest was on the verge of a meltdown at this point in the tour so I was pretty distracted.) The detail on the sleeve was stunning.

Richmond County, GA History Museum

I didn't get much time to look at this one. I wanted to say that it was from the 1880s, but I must be remembering incorrectly. From the style of the dress that just doesn't seem right to me. I don't know enough to even guess a date on this dress.

I do remember that there was what looked a lot like smocking under the bust. and I thought that was quite strange. The look of the bodice was somewhat similar to a cape dress.

I had to look at this one twice. It is 20s flapper dress. I was thrilled to discover that there was a line of little snaps under the arm hidden in the side seam.

When I mentioned this my husband looked like I had lost my mind. :)

It's been a long time

2008-07-16T11:20:00.002-04:00

We had a rough few months with my son's health so most of my time has been spent taking care of him. He's doing fine now.

I'm on a diet. I've gained a tremendous amount of weight from all of the stress. I've got a long way to go, but at least the weight is starting to come off.

I'm looking more seriously at sewing more. I've been wearing skirts exclusively for about 6 months. I need more skirts and dresses and it is really hard to find ones that fit. The few that I do have are wearing out and getting stained up. I need to make some more.

As soon as I finish a weighted lap pad for my eldest son (I have almost everything I need to make it. I just need to actually do it) I want to make a duct-tape dressform so I can custom fit clothing for me. After I finish that I'm thinking that I should concentrate on skirts and aprons for a while.

Thank God for hoodies!

2008-02-15T10:43:00.001-05:00

Without them this would be so much harder. In stressfull situations he just pulls the hood up for a few minutes and calms himself down.

Last night it was warm so I didn't have my son wear one when we wen't out to eat for Valentine's Day. Some little kid popped a balloon. Hands went over the ears immediately and within 30 seconds he was hiding inside his shirt and trying to crawl under the table.

I think I'm going to start keeping one in my car.

Jumping jurisdictions

2008-02-07T13:52:00.000-05:00

I've found a very small OCA mission that is about 40 minutes away from me. I'm thinking about checking it out. While I enjoy the greek Church that I visit sometimes, it really isn't a good permanent fit. The kids get nothing out of it and refuse to go because they don't understand what anyone is saying.

In the end I would probably still end up going alone, but hopefully I would go more often if I understood the Liturgy better. I have a tendancy to be complacent and procrastinate. Unfortunately, the language barrier doesn't help this at all.

I casually mentioned the subject last night and didn't recieve negative reaction about driving so far so I may be able to check it out in a couple of weeks when my work schedule clears again. I definitely want to be attending somewhere semi-regularly before Pascha.

From the photos on the Church website it looks like they a bit more conservative in dress and at least half of the women cover their hair during services. There is also a small female monastic community nearby that sometimes attends there. An OCA mission would probably also be more "convert friendly" and more likely to have an english liturgy. Perhaps this would be a better fit.

I'm still praying and mulling over the possibility, but I am considering contacting the priest soon.

Hmmm.....

2008-01-11T13:13:00.000-05:00

I've been working on a little song. It would be easier if I had the talent to write songs, but mostly this is cathartic. I didn't really focus at all on meter or rhyme or proper punctuation. It is for me and I'll probably be the only person who ever hears it sung.

I have to work these feelings out of my system so I can get back to focusing on what is important.

Spectral Requiem in Bb

So easily spoken
The word that brought my heartache
It slipped from her tongue
Mindless of the effect

One in 150
shattered the peace in my mind
He may never change
But I will never be the same

The horizon leaves me hollow
It turns to bitter rain
I’ll try again tomorrow
I’m not strong enough today

So fervently whispered
A desperate supplication
The soft candle light flickered
Against her almond eyes

“O Virgin Protectress,
Remember my child
in the presence of your own”

Each moment now seems hollow
But the rain will have to wait
I’ll try again tomorrow
I need some help today

Too big to be screaming on the floor
Are you enjoying the show?
Take your advice and disgust
With you when you go.

Because I don’t want your pity
And I’ll not feel ashamed that he’s mine
Because he may be different
But different doesn’t mean broken.

Lulay, lulay
And hushabye
I’ll take a deep breath
And dry my eyes.

I never cared for horizons
And the rain has dried away.
We’ll be alright tomorrow
I’ll muddle through today

Because different doesn’t mean broken.

2008-01-04T09:00:00.000-05:00

I've been feeling a bit down, mostly because I have been taking a long hard look at myself and what I've done with my life.

The chant by the monks of the Valaam monastery,
The Father's Embrace, seems to say what I have no words to express right now:

Make haste to open unto me Thy Fatherly embrace for as the Prodigal I have wasted all my life. In the unfailing wealth of Thy mercy, O Saviour reject not my heart, reject not my heart in its poverty for with compunction I cry to Thee, O Lord: Father, I have sinned against heaven and before Thee.

Temple Grandin - Focus on Autism and Asperger's Syndrome

2008-01-03T11:37:00.001-05:00

A fleeting moment of clarity

2007-12-28T12:00:00.000-05:00

Those fleeting moments of clarity... I look forward to them with a longing that isn't comparable to anything else that I have ever felt.

I'm not coping very well. I've always had a problem dealing with stress. My eating is out of control. Life seems to be falling apart for everyone I touch. ...but then comes that moment where everything seems to make sense and I am at perfect peace. That one blissfull moment when it seems like I can step outside of my life and look at things objectively.

I am learning patience.

"Do you know what Abra can do, Mom?" I smile and feign ignorance. It is 11 am and at least 50 Pokemon questions have punctated my son's silence this morning. "Of course I know what Abra can do. He can do the same thing that he could do when you told me yesterday" I think with a smile. Instead I try my best to muster some genuine interest and hear all about it again.

I am learning patience.

He got a Pokemon game for Christmas. It is his current perserveration. He would play it 24/7 right now if I let him. In the past few days he has been so focused that he has wet himself twice. I tried taking it away yesterday and he started hitting himself repeatedly above the ears while he tantrummed.

I am learning patience.

I look at him laying there so focused on that little screen that a freight train could rip through the room and he wouldn't notice. Clarity and self-reflection washed over me like the gentle ebbing of the tide.

This is how I am to God. Hyper-focused on my own life that I can't see what is going on around me. Hurting myself forkful by forkful when someone takes away what comforts me. I am a spiritual Aspie.

Would I change things? In the beginning I cried and begged God to take this away... to make him "better". Better than what? Do I somehow love him less than my neurotypical son? Of course not...

Who was I crying for? My son... or my own discomfort? Alex doesn't really care that he has Asperger's Syndrome. He is simply thrilled that he has a new video game to obsess over. From his perspective this is just the way life is.

I was crying for me. I was mourning the dreams and hopes that I clung to of a future for him that now seemed impossible, but they were never his dreams. I was crying in frustration that I would have to endure more disaproving nods and clucking tongues of strangers in grocery stores when my 8 year old lays in the floor and screams "I hate you". I was crying in selfishness at the thought that he may never live independently of me.

I was taking solace in the title of "martyr mom" and was comforted by the whispered "you poor thing" and the pity that I didn't deserve, but secretly felt like I needed.

...but most of all I was learning patience the hard way.

The silence is broken once again by another obsessive diatribe about the videogame. I can't help but smile again.

God isn't punishing me by giving me a son on the Autistic Spectrum. This isn't even about me. God has entrusted me with the care of a child who is very special (some days I jokingly wonder if he even lives on the same planet). If He thinks that I can handle it, who am I to argue?

And there the clarity goes, like sands torn away by the waves... and I muddle through my life again.

Is it possible to love the autistic spectrum?

2007-12-17T09:46:00.000-05:00

I've been mulling over this a bit in my head lately and I can't seem to articulate this idea very well yet. I'm quite sure that this line of thinking might upset some people and I'm not sure if I would feel differently if my son had Kanner's instead of Asperger's.

As far as I have been able to tell there is little hope for an actual cure for kids like my son. I have to accept that this is who he is and who he will most likely be for the rest of his life. For some reason, I'm starting to think that I am ok with that.

Inspite of all of the difficulties Aperger's Syndrome causes him, I love who he is. Would he be the same person if he was not on the spectrum?... probably not.

I can't love him and hate such a large part of who he is.

I give up

2007-11-13T11:53:00.000-05:00

I'm so tired.

I'm trying to decide whether continuing to pursue Orthodoxy is worth it. In truth, I have been so discouraged, that my pursuit has been quite half-hearted (if that) for a while.

Which is better? ... to be Orthodox alone or have a family that actually goes to Church and prays regularly and children who are baptized Christian?

There has been a bit of discussion about visiting the local Roman Catholic parish. The services there are entirely in English and that is a big plus. I really wish that there was an OCA parish here, but unfortunately, there is not.

Going back to Church?

2007-10-11T14:22:00.000-04:00

This week is the Greek Festival for the local Orthodox Church and I am thinking it might be a good time to start going again.

Unfortunately that brings up the question in my mind of whether or not I should go alone.

My husband won't go and I'm not going to try to manipulate him into going. He fully agrees with me taking the kids, and I am very happy that he is so supportive. Unfortunately, I don't think that I can handle them by myself. The last 2 times that I tried to bring them was a disaster.

My oldest needs almost constant supervision when we are in public. He's doing better, but trying to keep him quiet and respectful... keeping and eye on my 4 year old... and trying to actually pay attention to the service seems impossible. I feel really bad about leaving them home though.

They (especially my oldest) soak everything Christian up like little sponges. My little one goes around saying "Kyrie Eleison" constantly. My oldest insists on keeping paper print outs of icons of Christ, the Theotokos, and St. Michael in his room. He has asked me before if he could get baptized someday. I feel like I am wasting time trying to figure all of this out..

It would be so much easier if I just went to a Baptist Church. I'm sure I could probably get my husband to go then. There is the whole matter of language and culture that I wouldn't need to worry about. Unfortunately after the reading that I have been doing and experiencing Orthodox worship, I just can't see myself belonging to any protestant denomination again. I would be an even bigger hypocrit than I already am.

I've come to the conclusion

2007-10-05T10:01:00.000-04:00

that I don't know what I am doing anymore. I'm getting used to feeling frustrated.

I feel so stressed, and I know that I shouldn't be. All I want to do is take a nap. I have too much to do, so coffee will have to suffice. Perhaps I will manage to go to sleep at a decent hour tonight. If not... I'll just have to make more coffee tomorrow.

I still haven't been back to Church. It has been about 6 months since I went. Every Saturday night I tell myself that I will go, but I never seem to make it. I feel like such a hypocrit.

It looks like my oldest may have Asperger's Syndrome. I have had 4 psychologists tell me that he has classic symptoms. The psychiatrist says that he would be willing to change the diagnosis, but that he is "borderline" when it comes to meeting the diagnostic criteria. It doesn't really matter. There is no magic pill that cures Asperger's Syndrome either. Calling it something different won't change anything.

Atlanta Zoo

2007-09-04T10:38:00.000-04:00

We decided to take the kids to the Zoo since both of us had the day off (very rare). It was very hot and at one point a couple of teenagers started making fun of my oldest son, but luckily he didn't hear them. The kids had a lot of fun.

Adventures in skirt shopping

2007-08-20T11:35:00.000-04:00

We went to the mall yesterday so the guys could get haircuts and I decided to see if I could find any skirts in my size. Lane Bryant had a couple of long skirts, but they were very expensive. It was downright humiliating that I was too fat to fit into skirts that I could afford and too broke to buy ones that fit.

I was still feeling down this morning so I decided to take a chance and check out the local Cato Plus. Yay clearance! I bought 3 (2 denim jean, one that is some other heavy brown woven material) nice skirts for the price of the cheapest skirt that I was looking at last night.

Agni Parthene (Complete)

2007-08-16T08:35:00.001-04:00

A little late, but it took me this long to figure out how to link to the video here :)

Scared, stressed, and tired

2007-08-15T09:57:00.000-04:00

School started Monday. That means that Mama's early morning taxi service is open for business :p . I don't get off work until late (last night I got home around 1 am), but I have to be out the door with everyone ready for school at 6:30 am. There is enough caffeine in my veins right now to kill a horse. I'm exhausted and I have many months of morning just like this one to look forward to.

Yesterday I had a scare that shook me to my core. My oldest son is 8 years old and has special needs. Because special education classes let our earlier here than the rest of the school we were informed that it would take up to 2 weeks to arrange for a bus to bring him home.

I drove to the school yesterday to pick him up and was horrified to learn that he had been placed on a bus bound for home 20 minutes earlier. My son has a tendancy to wander a bit so you can imagine the horrible things that were running through my mind as I raced home. I kept telling myself that the bus driver wasn't allowed to let him off the bus without a parent.

It was short drive, but I must have uttered at least a dozen prayers for mercy and protection. I was terrified. When I arrived at the house he was sitting patiently on the porch, sweaty and a bit upset... but safe.

My nerves are shot. I need sleep. This is going to be a very long year.

More pointless rambling

2007-08-09T10:53:00.001-04:00

I've decided that my life needs theme music. I think it should start with a Bb chord and then maybe and Fm (followed by Bb, Fm, Eb, F, Gm, Eb, F, Bb... can you tell that I spent some time thinking about this for some strange reason?). It would really make working retail less monotonous if I could get some dramatic theme music going. I bet the customers would go out of their way to avoid me then. I wonder who I could see about getting that set up. :p

I've had my morning coffee. I'm about to go get my mid morning coffee, followed by my late morning coffee. I'm in one of those good moods where I just want to sit here and laugh about nothing in particular and simply enjoy being alive.

My supervisor at work asked me last night if I need a vacation. I think I do. I think I need more that a vacation. I need a week in a hermitage. Alone in a shack on an island in the middle of a lake sounds about right. No crappy part-time jobs... no houses to clean... no IEPs or school psychologists to deal with... just me and God and the mosquitos for a week.

I'm procrastinating big-time when it comes to religion. I've only been to Church once since Pascha. I seriously doubt that the priest even remembers my name. Conversion looks so difficult and although I know that is what I want, I don't think that I have the discipline to do it. There is the whole finding a sponsor/godmother thing too. I'm not exactly a "people person".

Why am I so slow to commit to this?

Musings on change

2007-08-07T13:14:00.000-04:00

A change of pace...

School is about to start.... and the first time, both of my boys will be in school. Unless I decide to change my work schedule, that means that I will have a lot of free time during the day. I've been trying to decide how to use that time. I don't want to waste it on-line.

There is the obvious. I have a ton of de-cluttering and deep cleaning to do on the house. That should keep me busy for a while.

Daily exercise is a must. I need to start taking care of myself better.

I want do do a lot more sewing and needlework. That leads me to my next thought....

A change of style...

If I can manage to save a little cash, I'd like to change my wardrobe a bit. I need more outfits to wear to Church (maybe I would actually go occasionally). My husband already bought me a very comfortable pair of brown leather mary janes that will do nicely.

I've been wanting to start dressing more feminely and modestly for a little over a year. For me that means mostly long skirts. I'm a very tall fat gal, so I'm having trouble finding ready to wear stuff.

I found some nice skirts at Shukr Islamic Clothing. Yes, I know that they cater mainly to muslimas (which I am not), but I love their skirts AND they actually have my size. That is a pretty rare thing for me to find. That is the only place that I have been able to find anything that looked nice... and I have been looking for a while.

My other option is to sew them myself. Unfortunately I have been unable to find any suitable patterns from the fabric shops around here.

I did find some instructions for making a wrap skirt similar to the ones sold at Tznius.com . I'm undecided as to whether they would make me look like a pregnant hippo or not, but it is worth a try.

I also would like to try making Sense and Sensibility's Regency Gown Pattern in a nice burgundy calico. It would need a few tweaks to make it suitable for everyday wear, but I think I might be able to manage. I love the silhouette, but there is the whole "pregnant hippo" possibilty there as well. My husband gently pointed out that particular issue could be solved if I just lost some weight. I hate to admit it, but he is right.

Enough rambling and daydreaming for now. I have a ton of laundry to fold. My goal today is to be able to find my couch. ;)