It's been a long time

We had a rough few months with my son's health so most of my time has been spent taking care of him. He's doing fine now.

I'm on a diet. I've gained a tremendous amount of weight from all of the stress. I've got a long way to go, but at least the weight is starting to come off.

I'm looking more seriously at sewing more. I've been wearing skirts exclusively for about 6 months. I need more skirts and dresses and it is really hard to find ones that fit. The few that I do have are wearing out and getting stained up. I need to make some more.

As soon as I finish a weighted lap pad for my eldest son (I have almost everything I need to make it. I just need to actually do it) I want to make a duct-tape dressform so I can custom fit clothing for me. After I finish that I'm thinking that I should concentrate on skirts and aprons for a while.

Thank God for hoodies!

Without them this would be so much harder. In stressfull situations he just pulls the hood up for a few minutes and calms himself down.

Last night it was warm so I didn't have my son wear one when we wen't out to eat for Valentine's Day. Some little kid popped a balloon. Hands went over the ears immediately and within 30 seconds he was hiding inside his shirt and trying to crawl under the table.

I think I'm going to start keeping one in my car.

Jumping jurisdictions

I've found a very small OCA mission that is about 40 minutes away from me. I'm thinking about checking it out. While I enjoy the greek Church that I visit sometimes, it really isn't a good permanent fit. The kids get nothing out of it and refuse to go because they don't understand what anyone is saying.

In the end I would probably still end up going alone, but hopefully I would go more often if I understood the Liturgy better. I have a tendancy to be complacent and procrastinate. Unfortunately, the language barrier doesn't help this at all.

I casually mentioned the subject last night and didn't recieve negative reaction about driving so far so I may be able to check it out in a couple of weeks when my work schedule clears again. I definitely want to be attending somewhere semi-regularly before Pascha.

From the photos on the Church website it looks like they a bit more conservative in dress and at least half of the women cover their hair during services. There is also a small female monastic community nearby that sometimes attends there. An OCA mission would probably also be more "convert friendly" and more likely to have an english liturgy. Perhaps this would be a better fit.

I'm still praying and mulling over the possibility, but I am considering contacting the priest soon.

Hmmm.....

I've been working on a little song. It would be easier if I had the talent to write songs, but mostly this is cathartic. I didn't really focus at all on meter or rhyme or proper punctuation. It is for me and I'll probably be the only person who ever hears it sung.

I have to work these feelings out of my system so I can get back to focusing on what is important.

Spectral Requiem in Bb

So easily spoken
The word that brought my heartache
It slipped from her tongue
Mindless of the effect

One in 150
shattered the peace in my mind
He may never change
But I will never be the same


The horizon leaves me hollow
It turns to bitter rain
I’ll try again tomorrow
I’m not strong enough today

So fervently whispered
A desperate supplication
The soft candle light flickered
Against her almond eyes

“O Virgin Protectress,
Remember my child
in the presence of your own”

Each moment now seems hollow
But the rain will have to wait
I’ll try again tomorrow
I need some help today

Too big to be screaming on the floor
Are you enjoying the show?
Take your advice and disgust
With you when you go.

Because I don’t want your pity
And I’ll not feel ashamed that he’s mine
Because he may be different
But different doesn’t mean broken.

Lulay, lulay
And hushabye
I’ll take a deep breath
And dry my eyes.

I never cared for horizons
And the rain has dried away.
We’ll be alright tomorrow
I’ll muddle through today

Because different doesn’t mean broken.

I've been feeling a bit down, mostly because I have been taking a long hard look at myself and what I've done with my life.

The chant by the monks of the Valaam monastery,
The Father's Embrace, seems to say what I have no words to express right now:

Make haste to open unto me Thy Fatherly embrace for as the Prodigal I have wasted all my life. In the unfailing wealth of Thy mercy, O Saviour reject not my heart, reject not my heart in its poverty for with compunction I cry to Thee, O Lord: Father, I have sinned against heaven and before Thee.

Temple Grandin - Focus on Autism and Asperger's Syndrome

A fleeting moment of clarity

Those fleeting moments of clarity... I look forward to them with a longing that isn't comparable to anything else that I have ever felt.

I'm not coping very well. I've always had a problem dealing with stress. My eating is out of control. Life seems to be falling apart for everyone I touch. ...but then comes that moment where everything seems to make sense and I am at perfect peace. That one blissfull moment when it seems like I can step outside of my life and look at things objectively.

I am learning patience.

"Do you know what Abra can do, Mom?" I smile and feign ignorance. It is 11 am and at least 50 Pokemon questions have punctated my son's silence this morning. "Of course I know what Abra can do. He can do the same thing that he could do when you told me yesterday" I think with a smile. Instead I try my best to muster some genuine interest and hear all about it again.

I am learning patience.

He got a Pokemon game for Christmas. It is his current perserveration. He would play it 24/7 right now if I let him. In the past few days he has been so focused that he has wet himself twice. I tried taking it away yesterday and he started hitting himself repeatedly above the ears while he tantrummed.

I am learning patience.

I look at him laying there so focused on that little screen that a freight train could rip through the room and he wouldn't notice. Clarity and self-reflection washed over me like the gentle ebbing of the tide.

This is how I am to God. Hyper-focused on my own life that I can't see what is going on around me. Hurting myself forkful by forkful when someone takes away what comforts me. I am a spiritual Aspie.

Would I change things? In the beginning I cried and begged God to take this away... to make him "better". Better than what? Do I somehow love him less than my neurotypical son? Of course not...

Who was I crying for? My son... or my own discomfort? Alex doesn't really care that he has Asperger's Syndrome. He is simply thrilled that he has a new video game to obsess over. From his perspective this is just the way life is.

I was crying for me. I was mourning the dreams and hopes that I clung to of a future for him that now seemed impossible, but they were never his dreams. I was crying in frustration that I would have to endure more disaproving nods and clucking tongues of strangers in grocery stores when my 8 year old lays in the floor and screams "I hate you". I was crying in selfishness at the thought that he may never live independently of me.

I was taking solace in the title of "martyr mom" and was comforted by the whispered "you poor thing" and the pity that I didn't deserve, but secretly felt like I needed.

...but most of all I was learning patience the hard way.

The silence is broken once again by another obsessive diatribe about the videogame. I can't help but smile again.

God isn't punishing me by giving me a son on the Autistic Spectrum. This isn't even about me. God has entrusted me with the care of a child who is very special (some days I jokingly wonder if he even lives on the same planet). If He thinks that I can handle it, who am I to argue?

And there the clarity goes, like sands torn away by the waves... and I muddle through my life again.